Embedded Files
Skip "Slight Breeze" Khoury
Skip "Slight Breeze" Khoury
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: SKIP KHOURY
The Stats:
Profession: Owner/Operator, Vehicle Repair Shop (Expert at fixing alignments, still searching for his own)
Handicap Index: 25 (Ensuring he gets the absolute maximum value out of his greens fees)
Pro Comparison: John Daly (Unconventional, relaxed, and strictly anti-layup)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: An Eagle performing as Houdini, fueled entirely by Tito's.
Wardrobe Rating: 4 out of 5 (Look good, play... eventually)
The Scouting Report:
Every golf league needs a beating heart, and the Bhattalion Swingers Golf league has Skip Khoury. Skip is a man of massive personality, unmatched friendliness, and a deep, passionate love for his friends, the game of golf, and whatever is currently being poured at the clubhouse bar.
On the course, Skip is an enigma wrapped in a loud polo shirt. He proudly claims that "Course Strategy" and "Mental Fortitude" are crucial to his game—a truly inspiring philosophical stance for a man carrying a 25 handicap. His driving distance is only "moderately important," likely because his true genius shines when he's playing from the adjacent fairway. They call him "Houdini" not because he magically escapes bunkers, but because of his unparalleled ability to make a dozen golf balls vanish into water hazards before making the turn.
Despite rating his mental fortitude as crucial, his psychological armor has a microscopic chink: the dreaded shank. Should a hosel-rocket occur, Skip’s instinct is to immediately leave the premises to hide his shame—an evasion tactic he executes with the speed of a man who just remembered he left the oven on. Furthermore, if you want to see the Daly-esque relaxed demeanor evaporate, just subject him to a five-hour round. Slow play is his kryptonite, and he will undoubtedly let the group ahead know it.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
But let’s be honest: the scorecard is just a heavily taxed entry ticket to Skip's true domain—the 19th hole. He considers post-round drinks and scorecard analysis absolutely essential, mostly to explain how his 108 was actually "a few bad bounces away from a 79."
At his core, Skip is the ultimate "Gatherer." He is the glue guy, the master of ceremonies, and the reason the post-round banter is often better than the golf itself. You might beat him by ten strokes, but you’ll never beat him to the bar, and you’ll never find a guy you’d rather share a Tito's with after the round. He’s the first one to buy a round to celebrate your birdie, and the first to buy one to commiserate your triple-bogey. A true BSG legend.
Kyle "One Shot Wonder" Bastos
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: KYLE BASTOS
The Stats:
Profession: Automotive Service and Repair (Can rebuild a transmission blindfolded; still looking for the wrench to fix his slice)
Handicap Index: 27.7 (Mathematically proving that hope springs eternal)
Pro Comparison: Other / None of the above (A true, uncategorizable original)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: A Groundhog (Chubby, brown, perpetually hungry, and highly likely to retreat into a hole if he sees his own swing on video)
Vices: Strictly a smoker, zero alcohol (Trading the cart girl for a carton)
Wardrobe Rating: 4 out of 5 (Dressing for the golf he wants, not the golf he has)
The Scouting Report:
If you are looking for the quintessential "great guy to golf with," look no further than Kyle Bastos. He is young, strong, unfailingly polite, and we are 99% sure he is always smiling (though scientists have yet to penetrate the formidable beard to confirm this hypothesis).
Kyle is an absolute tactician before the round begins. His preparation is unmatched: he will meticulously review the entire course layout on The Grint, factor in the wind, calibrate his yardages, and process exactly 4,000 different swing thoughts. Once this mental masterpiece is complete, he will step up and promptly slice his first tee shot into a neighboring zip code.
To say Kyle takes practice swings is an understatement; he takes more than are ever necessary. If practice swings counted towards the scorecard, his handicap would require scientific notation. In fact, Kyle operates under a controversial, sovereign-citizen style of golf law where he firmly believes "half my real swings shouldn't count as strokes." When reality refuses to bend to this logic, he relies on his ultimate, Zen-like mantra: "Whatever, I'm taking a drop."
He claims that "Mental Fortitude" and "Course Strategy" are crucial to his game. This strategy mostly involves avoiding Thick Rough at all costs, which he views not as a hazard, but as a personal, targeted insult. And much like his fellow BSG brethren, he has zero tolerance for slow play—you better keep it moving when Kyle is on the tee (even if he is currently taking his 14th practice hack).
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Unlike the rest of the degenerate BSG roster, Kyle is not hanging around the clubhouse to drain pitchers of beer. He rates celebratory drinks a 1 out of 5, preferring a good smoke over a pint. He also has virtually zero interest in analyzing the scorecard after the round, which is probably for the best, as he would have to legally defend all those uncounted "non-strokes." There is a moderate chance he might just immediately leave to hide his shame after a rough outing.
But ultimately, Kyle is the kind of guy every league needs. He brings immaculate vibes, excellent manners, a sharp wardrobe, and a genuinely good heart to the tee box. He’s a phenomenal cart partner—just give him a wide berth when he starts his pre-shot routine, and keep him out of the tall grass.
Scott "Papi Colo" Bauer
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: SCOTT BAUER
The Stats:
Profession: Attorney (Will absolutely bill you for the six minutes it took to look for your ball in the woods)
Handicap Index: 18 (Likely negotiated down from a 22 in an out-of-court settlement)
Pro Comparison: Happy Gilmore (A "Golf Bro" trapped in a distinguished lawyer's body)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: A Desert Mouse (Elusive, survives on minimal hydration, and highly adaptable to sandy conditions)
Pre-Round Fuel: Driving Range, Putting, and Zyn (The nutritional breakfast of champions)
Beverage of Choice: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (Classic, reliable, and slightly bitter—much like a 3-putt for bogey)
Equipment Quirk: Owns 10 pairs of golf shoes, but only 1 glove. (Priorities.)
The Scouting Report:
Scott Bauer is a walking, swinging contradiction. Standing exceptionally tall and exuding a "distinguished" aura, he looks like a man who should be calmly reviewing contracts in a mahogany-paneled office. Instead, he compares himself to Happy Gilmore and fuels his pre-round routine with Zyn pouches.
On the course, Scott is widely known as a genuinely good golfer and a remarkably polite competitor—perhaps too polite. Rumor has it that he occasionally mishits the ball on purpose just so his opponents don't feel bad about their own catastrophic shanks. It is a level of psychological charity rarely seen in the Bhattalion Swingers Golf league, and frankly, it is deeply suspicious.
He claims that "Mental Fortitude" and a "Crucial" short game are the pillars of his strategy, while driving distance is only slightly important. This is likely because his tee shots are only "sometimes" long, but when he connects, the Happy Gilmore energy finally manifests.
Interestingly, Scott noted that his primary emotion on the golf course is Disgust—which is fascinating for a guy who is allegedly "always smiling." One can only assume this is the chilling, dead-eyed smile of a litigator who is internally judging your swing mechanics while politely saying, "Good out, buddy." Just keep him out of the thick rough, and for the love of all that is holy, do not subject him to slow play.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
When the round is over, Scott is not fleeing the scene to hide his shame (a rock-solid 1 out of 5 flight risk). Instead, he’s heading straight to the clubhouse. He rates celebratory or commiseration drinks a very solid 4 out of 5, where he will gladly sip a Sierra Nevada and engage in a moderate level of scorecard analysis.
Ultimately, Scott is the ultimate sleeper agent in your foursome. He’s the smiling assassin who will casually drop a 20-foot putt, offer a polite compliment on your terrible chip shot, and then gladly buy you a beer afterward. He’s a gentleman, a scholar, and a fantastic addition to the BSG ranks.
James "Dollar Store Bubba" Williams
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: JAMES WILLIAMS
The Stats:
Profession: Risk Analyst (A deep, hilarious irony we will explore momentarily)
Handicap Index: 15 (Consistently inconsistent)
Pro Comparison: Phil Mickelson (Because laying up is for cowards and accountants)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: A Blue Heron (Quiet, majestic, and entirely reliant on water hazards for survival)
Pre-Round Routine: Blasting Lynyrd Skynyrd on the drive over and taking exactly two (2) practice swings for the entire day.
Beverage of Choice: Busch Light (Volume: 10+... hydration is key)
Wardrobe Rating: 2 out of 5 (Thinks "moisture-wicking" is a liberal conspiracy)
The Scouting Report:
Every golf league needs a silent killer, and in the Bhattalion Swingers Golf league, that is James Williams. By all outward accounts, James is a young, polite, easy-going, incredibly chill dude who is always smiling. But do not let the friendly demeanor fool you. Beneath that quiet exterior beats the heart of a man who commutes to the course exclusively to the ear-shattering sounds of Ronnie Van Zant, completely ready to do violence to a golf ball.
The most fascinating psychological element of James is his day job. He is literally a Risk Analyst. Yet, when surveyed about his golf game, he stated that "Course Strategy" is only "Slightly Important," while "Driving Distance" is "Very Important." He openly compares himself to "Go-for-Broke" Phil Mickelson. Let that sink in. The man gets paid 40 hours a week to meticulously calculate and mitigate risk, but the second he steps onto the first tee, he completely abandons his professional ethos to try and carry a 280-yard water hazard with a 3-wood off the deck.
Because he limits himself to only two practice swings per day, his pace of play is beautifully brisk. Naturally, his ultimate nemesis on the course is slow play. If he is subjected to a five-hour round, the Blue Heron will get restless. And when the Mickelson-esque risk-taking inevitably results in a ball flying deep into the woods? James doesn't throw clubs or scream. He simply hits you with the slumped shoulders and a masterclass in heavy, soul-crushing self-deprecation.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
When the round mercifully concludes, James is a zero flight risk. He's staying exactly where he is. Curiously, he rates his interest in post-round drinks as only a 3 out of 5—which is highly suspicious for a man who openly admitted to consuming 10+ Busch Lights during the round. We can only assume he views the clubhouse drinks as a mere cooldown lap.
He does, however, highly value analyzing the scorecard with his opponents. This is likely when the Risk Analyst software reboots in his brain, and he tries to mathematically justify how he turned four birdies and eight penalty strokes into an 87.
Ultimately, James’s golf wardrobe might be a tragic 2 out of 5, but his vibe is a flawless 10. He is the ultimate hang, an incredibly great guy after the round, and exactly the kind of chill presence you want in your cart when the wheels start falling off your own game. Just make sure the coolers are fully stocked with the nectar of the Anheuser-Busch gods.
Dylan "Left-Right Express" Dillard
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: DYLAN DILLARD
The Stats:
Profession: Carpenter (Can flawlessly frame a 4,000-square-foot house; currently incapable of constructing a reliable backswing)
Handicap Index: 18 (A solid, working-class bogey golf)
Pro Comparison: John Daly (Claims to be a relaxed "grip-it-and-rip-it" guy, but is secretly paralyzed by swing thoughts)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: An Orca (Majestic, highly intelligent, and inevitably drawn to the nearest water hazard)
Pre-Round Routine: Overthinking. (Measure twice, slice once)
Beverage of Choice: Voodoo Ranger IPA (Stated Quantity: "70". We are legally obligated to advise Dylan that consuming 70 high-ABV IPAs is fatal, but we respect the ambition)
Wardrobe Rating: 4 out of 5 (We assume this means heavily starched Carhartt and steel-toed soft spikes)
The Scouting Report:
On the surface, Dylan Dillard is the absolute ideal BSG pairing. He is universally described as chill, unfailingly friendly, always smiling, and just genuinely thrilled to be out on the grass hanging with the guys. He loves to build, which is a beautiful passion for his carpentry career, though less helpful when he's trying to build a snowman (an 8) on a par 3.
However, a deeper psychological evaluation reveals a man at war with himself. Dylan claims he embodies the unconventional, relaxed spirit of John Daly, yet his pre-round routine consists entirely of "overthinking." He values "Driving Distance" and "Course Strategy" as Very Important, which sounds like a rock-solid game plan—until you look at his list of hazards. What derails Dylan’s round? Water, Deep Bunkers, Thick Rough, Slow Play, and... Unruly Spectators.
We need to pause here. Dylan is an 18-handicap carpenter playing weekend rounds in Virginia. Who are these "unruly spectators" heckling him? The cart girl? A flock of aggressive geese? The group behind him waiting for him to finish his pre-shot overthinking? We may never know.
But the absolute greatest thing about Dylan is his reaction to a catastrophic shot. He doesn't throw his 7-iron into the lake. He doesn't scream at the heavens. He simply lets out a "definitely quiet sob." The mental image of this burly, smiling tradesman softly weeping in the fairway after chunking a wedge is the kind of poetry this league was built on.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
When the final putt drops, Dylan is a high-risk flight candidate. He rates his urge to "immediately leave to hide my shame" a staggering 4 out of 5. If he shot a 98, do not expect him to stick around. Consequently, post-round celebratory drinks are a low priority, likely because he already crushed his designated 70 Voodoo Rangers on the front nine.
But at the end of the day, Dylan is the guy you want in your foursome. He’s the ultimate chill presence, completely void of toxic ego, and his constant smile is contagious. He might be silently weeping on the inside, and he might be terrified of the phantom hecklers in the gallery, but he’s a phenomenal dude, a great hang, and a foundational pillar of the BSG brotherhood. Just keep him away from the Orca ponds.
Sean "Donut" Robinson
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: SEAN ROBINSON
The Stats:
Spiritual Homeland: Myrtle Beach (The promised land of discount green fees and unhinged golf trips)
Handicap Index: 15 (Solid, respectable, and entirely dependent on his warmup)
Pro Comparison: Phil Mickelson (Go-for-broke, left-brain chaos, completely allergic to laying up)
Pre-Round Routine: 40 grueling minutes on the driving range. (Burning enough calories to justify an entire box of donuts)
Swing Thoughts: "Every one of them." (A truly terrifying psychological admission)
Beverage of Choice: Hydration only. Zero alcohol. (The designated driver of the BSG)
Wardrobe Rating: 3 out of 5 (Functional, polite, heavily relies on neutral tones)
The Scouting Report:
Every league needs an anchor of positivity, and for the Bhattalion Swingers Golf league, that is Sean Robinson. He is universally described by his peers as a genuinely nice guy, incredibly friendly, easy-going, and impressively prompt. However, a deeper look at his survey data reveals a hilarious contradiction: Sean claims to be "chill," yet he spends a full 40 minutes grinding on the driving range before tee off and openly admits to having every single swing thought possible firing through his brain at once. That is not chill, Sean. That is a low-grade neurological event disguised as a golf swing.
Strategically, Sean is a complete wildcard. He ranks "Mental Fortitude" and "Course Strategy" as only Slightly Important. This makes perfect sense when you realize his golf idol is "Go-for-Broke" Phil Mickelson. Sean isn't out here doing math or playing safe; he's out here trying to hit heroic, blind flop shots out of the exact same deep bunkers that he actively admits derail his rounds.
The absolute crowning jewel of Sean's profile, however, is his relationship with time. He lists "Slow Play / Pace of Play" as his ultimate nemesis on the course. Yet, his peers specifically highlight him as a notoriously "slow putter." The irony is simply magnificent. He will silently seethe at the group ahead of him for taking too long, and then proceed to stand over a six-foot putt for bogey for three business days, factoring in the dew point, the grain of the grass, and the gravitational pull of the moon.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Do not expect Sean to stick around to rehash the round. He rates post-game scorecard analysis and celebratory drinks a rock-bottom 1 out of 5, which tracks perfectly for a guy who doesn't drink. In fact, if the round goes totally sideways, there is a moderate chance he will simply Irish goodbye from the parking lot to hide his shame before the last cart even gets returned.
But at his core, Sean is an absolute gem of a cart partner. He brings zero drama, excellent punctuality, and a genuinely good heart to the tee box. His brain might be a chaotic soup of swing mechanics, and you might need to bring a lawn chair to the green while he reads his putts, but you will absolutely always have a fantastic time playing 18 holes with him.
Jason "La Risposte e'" Myers
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: JASON MYERS
The Stats:
Profession: HVAC/R Tech (A master at perfectly regulating the climate of a 10-story commercial building; completely incapable of regulating his own body heat after chunking a wedge into a pond)
Handicap Index: 23 (A generous, highly optimistic mathematical estimation of his current golfing reality)
Pro Comparison: Happy Gilmore (We will dissect this magnificent delusion shortly)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: A Turtle (Slow, steady, and requiring a hard outer shell to protect himself from his own scorecard)
Pre-Round Routine: A "stout mixed drink" to calm the nerves.
Beverage of Choice: German Pilsner (Because you need something crisp to wash down the anxiety-reducing stout mixed drink)
Mystery Stat ("140"): We can only assume this is his resting heart rate when teeing off over water.
Wardrobe Rating: 3 out of 5 (Functional, breathable, likely features at least one item purchased from a hardware store)
The Scouting Report:
Every golf league needs a guy who is so unapologetically chill that his pulse barely registers as human. For the Bhattalion Swingers Golf league, that guy is Jason Myers. Universally described as nice, friendly, smiling, easy-going, and polite, Jason is the guy you actively pray is assigned to your cart. He is the human equivalent of a gentle summer breeze.
However, his psychological profile is a masterpiece of total contradiction. In his survey, Jason confidently declared that he embodies the spirit of Happy Gilmore—the ultimate "Golf Bro." Let's examine the facts: Happy Gilmore is famous for screaming at golf balls, throwing clubs, and hitting 400-yard drives. Jason, meanwhile, stated that his driving distance is only "Slightly Important," his spirit animal is a slow-moving aquatic reptile, and his literal reaction to a terrible shot is to peacefully "drop and move on." He is the least Happy Gilmore person on planet Earth, and we profoundly respect his absolute delusion.
Jason claims his "Mental Fortitude" and "Short Game" are Very Important, which is a fantastic strategy for a man trying to survive a 23 handicap. As a Turtle, it makes perfect, tragic sense that the course hazard most likely to derail his round is Water. Ponds are his natural habitat, yet they are his greatest nemesis. When the ball inevitably goes for a swim, there is no rage. There is no thrown putter. There is only the Zen-like acceptance of an HVAC tech diagnosing a blown compressor: just drop a new one and move on.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
When the final putt drops, Jason is a moderate flight risk (a solid 3 out of 5 on the "leave to hide my shame" index). It’s a coin toss whether he retreats to his van to avoid eye contact or heads to the clubhouse. Interestingly, he rates the importance of celebratory drinks a very low, likely because his pre-round stout mixed drink and mid-round Pilsners have already achieved the desired effect.
However, he rates "Analyzing the scorecard with your opponents" a near-perfect 4 out of 5. He wants to sit down, sip a Pilsner, and mathematically decipher how his incredibly chill, drop-and-move-on strategy somehow resulted in a 106.
Ultimately, Jason is a foundational pillar of BSG. He might be terrified of ponds, and he might be deeply confused about who Happy Gilmore is, but he is a phenomenal dude, an incredibly great guy after the round, and exactly the kind of calming presence you need when the wheels fall off your own game.
Ashwin "Iceman" narayanan
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: ASHWIN NARAYANAN
The Stats:
Profession: Business Consultant (Approaches his golf game like a corporate restructuring: aggressive, over-caffeinated, and prone to high-risk mergers with the thick rough)
Handicap Index: 7 (A self-proclaimed "sniper" who views shooting a 94+ as a literal, punishable stroke penalty)
Pro Comparison: Phil Mickelson (Go-for-broke mentality, firmly believes no pin is too tucked to attack)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: A Honey Badger (Fearless, highly competitive, and fueled entirely by nicotine and adrenaline)
Pre-Round Routine: Double Zyns and a coffee. (Breakfast of champions... or at least hyperactive consultants)
Beverage of Choice: Surfside or Have a Day.
Wardrobe Rating: 4 out of 5 (Looking sharp, even when making bogeys the hard way)
The Scouting Report:
Every league needs a competitive spark plug, and for the Bhattalion Swingers Golf league, that is Ashwin Narayanan. He is universally described as smart, funny, and arguably the "best cart partner" you could ask for—provided you can tolerate his self-admitted "terrible taste in music." He is the honey badger of the fairway: fearless, aggressive, and operating on a steady drip of double Zyns and coffee.
Ashwin’s strategic approach to the game is a beautiful, chaotic contradiction. He claims that "Course Strategy" and "Mental Fortitude" are Very Important, yet he openly models his game after "Go-for-Broke" Phil Mickelson. His literal golf motto is “Time to make bogey the hard way.” This usually involves ignoring his "moderately important" driving distance to attempt heroic, low-percentage sniper shots that inevitably land him squarely in his ultimate nemesis: Thick Rough. But because he considers his Short Game and Putting to be Crucial, he is fully prepared to scramble for his life. And he better scramble well, because in Ashwin's brutal personal rulebook, shooting a 94 or worse is an automatic stroke penalty. (We aren't exactly sure how you penalize a 94 with more strokes, but we respect the sheer psychological warfare of it).
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
When the round concludes, Ashwin is an extremely high flight risk. He rates his urge to "immediately leave to hide my shame" a staggering 4 out of 5. If that Honey Badger energy resulted in a 95, do not expect him to stick around for pleasantries. Consequently, he has very little interest in analyzing the scorecard with his opponents, likely because he's already mentally drafting a PowerPoint presentation on why his short game failed him. He is moderately interested in a celebratory or commiseration drink, but only if he successfully sniped his way to a decent round.
Ultimately, Ashwin is an absolute weapon on the course. He brings sharp wit, intense competitiveness, and phenomenal cart vibes (minus the Spotify playlist). He might make bogeys the hard way, and he might leave tire marks in the parking lot if he plays poorly, but he is a core pillar of the BSG brotherhood and a genuinely fantastic guy to tee it up with.
Taylor "lieutenant" Pearson
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: TAYLOR PEARSON
The Stats:
Profession: Pricing Manager (Meticulously calculates the cost of goods at work; actively ignores the score on his card.)
Handicap Index: 20 (A number as flexible and unpredictable as his pre-round diet.)
Pro Comparison: A truly terrifying cocktail consisting of one part John Daly (relaxed and unconventional) and two parts Tiger Woods... specifically, the version of Tiger driving home from the Jupiter Country Club.
Fuel Source: A 7-Eleven sausage, egg, and cheese croissant, chased with two Johnny Bootleggers, and precisely six range balls stolen from an unsuspecting bucket.
Swing Thought: "Practice strokes are for people with a plan," and "I have ten items of golf clothing, but I only wear five."
Beverage of Choice: Beer. (Because John Daly wouldn't have it any other way.)
The Scouting Report:
Taylor Pearson is the embodiment of "here for a good time." He is young, loves to hike with his dog, and genuinely enjoys hanging with the guys. However, do not let that cheerful demeanor fool you into thinking he has a strategic bone in his body. In fact, Taylor openly admits that Course Strategy is "Not Important."
How does he survive? Mental Fortitude is deemed crucial, probably to survive the outcome of his strategy-free drives, which are also very important to him. We admire a man who ignores the yardage book to aim squarely at "Ponds/Water," which he lists as his primary derailment factor. If you see Taylor with an erratic gaze, he is likely muttering his signature phrase: “I don’t remember what kinda ball I was hitting …I guess it was a titliest."
In short: No practice swings, maximum distance, high risk of drowning a "titleist," and a purely relaxed, John Daly-esque approach to the chaos.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Do not expect Taylor to Irish goodbye after the round. While his golf wardrobe is a functional, his willingness to post-game is a perfect. Taylor Pearson isn't here to hide his shame in the parking lot. He is here to analyze the scorecard with his opponents and enjoy several celebratory or commiseratory drinks—whichever the day demands.
Ultimately, Taylor is the quintessential friendly hang and a cool guy to be with on the course. He is an improving golfer who perfectly understands that while score matters to some, a good time with the guys matters most to him.
ian "Rough Ranger" fox
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: IAN FOX
The Stats:
Profession: Explosives Detection K9 Handler (A man whose daily professional life involves significantly less high-stakes pressure than trying to save par on a par-5.)
Handicap Index: 19 (A truly inspiring mathematical representation of 'getting better,' provided 'better' means comfortably below average.)
Pro Comparison: Phil Mickelson (Specifically, the 'Go-for-Broke' version who will attempt a heroic escape through a gap smaller than a golf ball's diameter while actively shitting on his own scorecard.)
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: A Honeybadger (Operating on near-lethal levels of adrenaline, caffeine, and 'couple extra' pre-round shots to cope with the inevitable emotional damage.)
Pre-Round Routine: Relentlessly bashes balls on the range until achieving a delusion state where he believes he "won't suck as bad" that round.
Mantra: "Practice strokes are optional, but ignoring the practice green and pulling a 'Lateral Hazard Larry' is mandatory."
Beverage of Choice: Mojitos, Rum & Coke (A sophisticated profile for a man whose course strategy is akin to a toddler with a grenade).
Wardrobe Rating: Functional, likely features at least one item purchased in a panic at 7:00 AM; looking forward to seeing him actually 'wear the other 5' someday.
The Scouting Report:
League managers and scouts are universally intrigued by Ian Fox. Professionally, he is a trained specialist trusted with sensitive detection tasks—a role requiring nerves of steel and impeccable discipline. Once he steps onto a tee box, however, he becomes a high-octane statistical anomaly. Ian is the definition of a walking contradiction: he ranks Course Strategy as Very Important right before pulling driver on a 290-yard par 4 with trouble left, right, and center because, you know, "Go-for-Broke."
His pre-round preparation is a masterclass in psychological warfare... with himself. He will beat range balls into submission until his self-esteem is sufficiently inflated, only to immediately ignore the putting green entirely. When asked about his practice routine on the green, Ian responded with chilling honesty: "Pull a Lateral Hazard Larry, it all gets dropped lateral." This is a man who states his Short Game is Crucial while simultaneously treating the practice putting green like an Optional extra. The sheer gall of this methodology is simultaneously terrifying and admirable. If Ian is operating on a couple "extra" Honeybadger shots, do not expect surgical precision; expect fireworks. And God help the group ahead of him if they are playing slow; his patience for pace-of-play issues is non-existent, which is hilarious given that a K9 bomb handler's primary skill is "extreme patience."
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Ian Fox is a foundational pillar of BSG. Despite his catastrophic scorecard predictions and near-perfect score of on the "immediately leave to hide my shame" index (meaning the shame is real and he will Irish goodbye at a moments notice), his peers universally adore him. Ian is described as a nice guy, genuinely funny, brutally honest, young, and on the rise. He rates post-round drinks as only Moderately Important but he ranks "Analyzing the scorecard with your opponents" as a Very Importan, which suggests he is a glutton for mathematical punishment.
Ultimately, Ian is the quintessential "awesome cart partner." He’s polite, great company, and genuinely a rising star in the league. We might be terrified of what his scorecard looks like, but we absolutely need him in the group.
brad "Par Insurance" dillard
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: BRAD DILLARD
The Stats:
Profession: Independent Manufacturers Representative (Operates independently on the course as well, primarily because no one knows where his next shot is going).
Handicap Index: 15 (A solid, working-class BSG number that suggests he has functional golf knowledge but a complete disregard for consistency).
Pro Comparison: Rory McIlroy (Specifically the 'Erratic/Powerful' version who looks magnificent right up until the ball vanish into the thickest part of the woods).
Inner Delusion: Tiger Woods. (We respect the ambition, Brad, but Tiger’s pre-round routine usually involves slightly less active alcohol poisoning).
Pre-Round Routine: Be hungover. (A critical hydration strategy involving absorbing humidity directly through the skin while battling light sensitivity).
Mantra: "Mental Fortitude is Crucial." (Mainly to survive the crushing reality of his own game while operating on three hours of sleep).
Beverage of Choice: IPA (Because nothing says 'I value complex flavor profiles' like hitting a provisional ball while drinking an 8% hop-bomb at 10:00 AM).
Wardrobe Rating: 5 out of 5 (Impeccable. If nothing else, Brad is going to look like a tour pro while carding a quadruple bogey).
The Scouting Report:
Scouts are deeply divided on Brad Dillard, a man who describes himself as both 'friendly' and 'brooding.' He brings a dangerous level of silence to the tee box, a quiet intensity that we assume is mental preparation but is likely just a pounding headache. Brad claims Driving Distance is only "Slightly Important," a blatant falsehood designed to lower your defenses before he unleashes a Rory-esque torque that could dislocate a less youthful man’s spine. He is long, but he is fundamentally erratic. When that raw power connects with a ball that Brad "don’t remember what kinda ball I was hitting …I guess it was a titleist," the result is either majestic or legally actionable. When the inevitable chaotic shot occurs, do not expect a club throw. Expect his signature: The 'Look-of-disgust.' mainly directed inward, but efficient enough to make everyone in the group feel slightly uncomfortable. God help the group ahead if they are playing slow; his hatred for Slow Play is Very Important, possibly because he needs to finish the round before his hangover transforms into a full-blown existential crisis.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Brad is a fascinating flight risk. He rates his desire to "immediately leave to hide my shame" as a Moderate, meaning it is a coin flip whether he Irish Goodbyes from the parking lot. However, this is balanced by a very strong importance on post-round drinks. It is our analysis that the gravitational pull of the IPA will usually win out over the shame. He is also moderately interested in analyzing the scorecard, primarily, we assume, to scientifically analyze exactly how his ball ended up in that particular backyard. Ultimately, Brad is an essential BSG component: he is Young, polite, functionally funny when not actively brooding, and a genuinely nice guy. He is a 'fun golfer' with dangerous power, and we wouldn’t have him any other way.
Steve "Rubble" McVey
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: STEVEN MICHAEL MCVEY
The Stats:
Profession: Interventional Radiologic Technologist (A highly skilled medical professional trained to find microscopic blockages in the human body, yet still can’t locate a neon-colored golf ball in three-inch rough).
Handicap Index: 12 (The terrifying number that means he is just good enough to believe he can play well, and just bad enough to completely fall apart at any moment).
Pro Comparison: John Daly (Unconventional, relaxed, and operates on a specific hydration strategy that involves multiple industrial-strength IPAs).
Beverage of Choice: IPAs. Precisely four (4) of them before the round. (For "fortitude").
Swing Thought: "I hope I opened that next beer properly."
Wardrobe Rating: 4 out of 5 (Functional, coordinated, and likely features at least one item from a high-end hardware store).
The Scouting Report:
If you look up "good vibes" in the dictionary, you will find a photo of Steve McVey. He is universally described by his peers as the quintessential "one of the guys"—polite, generous, honest, and remarkably steady. In professional settings, Steve is a trained expert in high-stress medical environments; on the course, however, he channels his inner 'Ground Hog,' treating every round as a repetitive exercise in hoping the next IPA is colder than the last. Steve claims Mental Fortitude and Course Strategy are "Very Important," which is a hilarious contradiction for a man who prepares for a standard Saturday morning round by immediately knocking back four high-ABV beers.
Scouts are deeply divided on Steve’s actual golfing methodology. He lists his Short Game as "Crucial," yet his pre-putt visualization technique involves muttering, "Making the only 2 I will drain all day." This is not a man who values false optimism. Strategically, Steve is surgical: he operating with precision, provided the target doesn't require avoiding thick rough or dealing with his primary nemesis, "Unruly Spectators." We need to clarify who these spectators are. Hecklers? The cart girl? A highly judgy squirrel? It doesn't matter; Steve's "Go-for-Broke" style dictates he will ignore them anyway and focus on his true goal: getting back to the clubhouse to 'see previous' (which means: pop another beer).
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Steve is not a flight risk. While he rated his post-round shame factor at a Moderate —meaning he isn't exactly proud of his 94, but he’s not going to dash to hide—he is a dedicated member of the BSG 19th Hole. Interestingly, he ranked the importance of "celebratory/commiseration drinks" shockingly low. This is only confusing until you realize his reservoir is likely already full. He is moderate on analyzing the scorecard, primarily because he is usually too polite to argue about how many provisional balls he actually hit on the 8th.
Ultimately, Steve is the glue that keeps BSG together. He brings absolute honesty, unmatched post-round camaraderie, and a steady, polite presence to the tee box. He might worry about phantom spectators, and his warm-up routine is medically questionable, but he is a fantastic guy to tee it up with, and we wouldn’t trade him for anything.
Rich "L.i.c. dick" Pickering
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: RICH PICKERING
The Stats:
Profession: Nuclear Operator Instructor (Spends his professional hours instructing others on how to avoid catastrophic high-energy meltdowns; spends his weekends engineering self-inflicted low-energy ones on the course).
Handicap Index: 35 (A number so large it requires its own security clearance and perhaps its own special tax bracket).
Underwear on a trip: 7(3)-21+7. We aren't entirely sure what esoteric technical code this is referencing, but we suspect it involves some highly volatile statistical anomaly and perhaps a small explosion, and it is truly Rich. Clear communication is not his style; he is a secret agent who speaks in code.
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: Ravan (what is that?), we have Reddit working on it.
Pre-Round Routine: Precisely "wasting a few good shots on the driving range" (leaving exactly zero good shots for the actual round).
Inner Swing Thought: "My handicap is too high to waste energy on practice swings."
Beverage of Choice: Good beer. (debateable)
Wardrobe Rating: 3 out of 5. Cigar ash Holes in the shirts, and ill-fitting caps du jour
The Scouting Report:
In professional circles, Rich Pickering is respected for his ability to instruct others on the meticulous and critical science of nuclear energy. However, in BSG, Rich is primarily known for being universally loved and, in his own words, "kinda lost." This "lost" vibe is not just an affectation; it is a strategic defense mechanism. Rich approaches the tee box like a confused tourist: if you look lost enough, no one can hold you responsible for the ball you just sent screaming into the adjacent fairway's parking lot.
Scouts have noticed a distinct methodology to Rich’s game, primarily centered on practical nihilism. He refuses to take practice swings, noting that his handicap is far too high to be wasting valuable caloric energy. Why put in double the effort just to produce the same inevitable outcome? Furthermore, Rich’s strategic priorities are a beautiful contradiction: he ranks Mental Fortitude, Strategy, and Short Game as "Very Important," yet lists his main derailment factor as Thick Rough. Rich, we might gently suggest that the 'strategy' involves avoiding the rough, but that might be a bit too meticulous for a casual Saturday round. When things inevitably derail, do not expect a dramatic outburst. Expect the majestic, patented 'Eye Roll'—a physical manifestation of quiet despair directed entirely inward.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
As the round concludes, Rich Pickering is a fascinating psychological experiment. According to his survey, if he plays a shameful round, his urge to "immediately leave to hide my shame" is a massive 4 out of 5. Yet, his importance on celebratory/commiseration drinks and scorecard analysis is also a high 4 out of 5. This means the gravitational pull of good beer on the patio will always override the emotional weight of his 118. Rich isn't leaving; he is just moving the misery from the 18th green to the bar stool, where he truly excels.
Ultimately, Rich is the quintessential BSG core component. While he might instruct people on fission, he is a master at fusing the league together through positivity and excellent post-round camaraderie. We might be lost with him, but there is no one else we would rather share a cart (and several good beers) with.
Deesh "The Commish" Bhattal
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: DEESH BHATTAL
The Stats:
Profession: Data Analyst (Analyzes numbers all day, but somehow still misses the correlation between looking for his ball and his terrible score).
Handicap Index: 12 (Functional, yet questionable. Like a printer that only works on Tuesdays).
Pro Comparison: Freddy Couples (Specifically, a version of Freddy Couples who is loud, frenetic, sarcastic, and likely suffering from acute caffeine poisoning).
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: Sasquatch. (Rarely seen near the fairway, loud, and leaves everyone wondering if he’s actually real).
Pre-Round Fuel: Precisely "coming in hot" and a single, practiced "groan" followed by a smile and a cigar.
Essential Equipment: Multiple backup pairs of underwear (minimum 3 per day requirement).
Beverage of Choice: Boddingtons.
Wardrobe Rating: 5 out of 5. (Sartorial Splendor. If you can’t play well, you might as well look like you own the place while missing).
The Scouting Report:
If BSG has a heartbeat, it’s probably Deesh’s. He is a massive personality—loud, friendly, incredibly witty, and a walking hurricane of frenetic energy. Professionally, he is a Data Analyst, a job requiring focus and silence; on the course, however, he seems determined to contradict his entire career path. While his driving distance is merely "measured and moderate" (which we believe is polite code for "it went forward"), he claims his Short Game and COURSE STRATEGY ARE CRUCIAL (note the intense CAPS emphasis). We aren't entirely sure what this crucial strategy involves, as Deesh openly admits his entire round is most likely to be derailed by the Cart Girl. We suspect his strategy is mostly centered on optimizing the timing of his interaction with her. What we do know is that Deesh truly believes he embodies easy, smooth, chill, and relaxed Freddy Couples. This self-assessment is, historically, the biggest data error he has ever analyzed.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
When the round concludes, Deesh truly activates. He is not just a participant in the 19th hole; he is the mayor, the bartender, and eventually the cleaning crew. With a perfect 5/5 score on "staying and seeing everyone off and closing the place down," Deesh is the last man standing. He views all drinks as celebratory—explicitly stating that "sad drinks" do not exist in his world. Furthermore, his scorecard analysis is legendary, but only because he rates it a 5/5 "for the laughs of the groups scorekeeping," which suggests he views the actual numeric scores as optional suggestions.
Ultimately, Deesh is the heart and energy of BSG. He may not play like smooth Freddy Couples, and he may be a statistical outlier as a data analyst with Sasquatch-like tendencies, but he is the polite, sartorially splendid host that keeps the entire group laughing until closing time.
Craig "McDuff" Miller
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: CRAIG CLIFFORD “DUFF” MILLER
The Stats:
Profession: Architect (Drafts beautiful structures; applies zero of that aesthetic precision to course strategy).
Handicap Index: 12 (Condemned).
Pro Comparison: Happy Gilmore (A Golf Bro who values raw power over intellectual pursuit).
Inner Swing Thought: "My L.O.F.T. is undeniable, so I’ll just unleash the 'Sailor' and a drink."
Koala Verified (Mean MFer): "14 refined practice swings, or 1 if you are an ass. Just get up and hit it to make the round over."
The Scouting Report:
League managers and scouts are universally intrigued by Duff Miller. Professionally a trained specialist in aesthetic precision and structural integrity, he becomes a beautiful, chaotic contradiction on the tee. Duff values Driving Distance and Short Game, yet his true strategic priority is purely pace: making the round over.
His pre-round strategy is an athletic audit of his own physical decline, finding all the old man aches before burning his limited good swings on the range. This is immediately negated by opening a libation on the way to the first tee. He has zero pre-shot focus; Strategy is an afterthought, and that Happy Gilmore-bro comparison is chillingly accurate. He brings zero thought process, admitted L.O.F.T., and a verified Koala-like capacity for "being a mean MFer" energy if things are slow. When that raw power inevitably goes astray, do not expect a calculated recovery. Expect the “Sailor”.... He will unleash a tidal wave of F-bombs, declare himself terrible, then have a drink and decide everything is all better.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Duff is an extremely high flight risk. He rated his urge to "immediately leave to hide my shame" as massive. If that lack of talent was acute, Duff is gone. This dramatic exit is reinforced by his minimal importance on post-round drinks or analyzing the scorecard with opponents. He is aloof, efficient, and eager to move on to better IPAs elsewhere, not to relive failures. Duff Miller is the smiling heart of BSG. Despite the sarcastic acronyms and Koala threats, his teammates universally adore him. He is described as genuinely brilliant, easygoing, and generous. He brings a heartfelt eagle eye to the group and is, simply, an incredible person. We are lucky to have him, provided we keep the pace moving.
Craige "Papi Chulo" shelton
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: CRAIGE SHELTON
The Stats:
Profession: Land Developer (Essentially "Elmer Fudd on Wall Street"—he spends his days acquiring vast tracts of earth just to have more places to look for his ball).
Handicap Index: 6.3 (A terrifyingly low number that suggests he is a "Silent Assassin" who will politely take your money while looking like he’s barely trying).
Pro Comparison: Freddy Couples (Smooth as butter, effortless tempo, and likely suffering from the same chronic "coolness" that makes the rest of us look like we’re wrestling a bear on the tee box).
Spirit Animal / Alter Ego: Wild Turkey. (Unpredictable, native to the woods, and best enjoyed in high-proof doses).
Pre-Round Fuel: As few range balls as humanly possible to avoid "mental warfare" with himself.
Mantra: "Mental Fortitude is Crucial." (Mainly to ignore the fact that he ranks Course Strategy as 'Slightly Important' despite being a 6-handicap).
Beverage of Choice: Modelo. (A commitment so deep he should have bought the stock in college).
The Scouting Report:
Craige Shelton is the man the BSG scouting department calls the "Silent Assassin." Do not be fooled by the easy smile or the "Freddy Couples" tempo; this is a man who develops land for a living and likely views every bunker as a potential site for a luxury condo. While most players spend thirty minutes on the range destroying their confidence, Craige hits the absolute minimum number of balls. He treats the range like a crime scene—get in, get out, and don't leave any evidence of a swing thought that might trigger a mental breakdown.
His game is a study in high-level contradiction. He ranks Short Game and Putting as Crucial, yet he admits he hasn't spent enough time in the sand to "perfect a move." If he’s in a bunker, he isn’t practicing technique; he’s likely just assessing the soil quality for a future subdivision. Despite his elite 6.3 handicap, he claims Course Strategy is only Slightly Important. This suggests he doesn't actually have a plan; he just swings "smooth as butter" and the universe rewards him out of pure respect for his beard integrity. His only true weakness? Slow Play. If the group ahead is dragging, the "Silent Assassin" becomes a "Flight Risk."
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
When the round concludes, Craige is a high-level candidate for the "Shame Exit." He rated his urge to "immediately leave to hide my shame" as a 4 out of 5, which is hilarious for a man who shoots in the 70s. Apparently, if he doesn't play like a god, he wants to vanish into the woods like his spirit animal, the Wild Turkey. This is supported by his low measure of importance on post-round celebratory drinks. He isn't here for the social hour; he’s here to analyze the scorecard just long enough to confirm he won the bets before disappearing.
Ultimately, Craige is a foundational pillar of the league. He is smart, successful, and genuinely one of the best sticks in the group. He brings a level of quiet class and effortless skill that makes the rest of the BSG look like they’re playing a different sport. Just don't challenge him to a money game unless you're prepared to be dismantled by a man who didn't even take a practice swing.
Craige is quite simply "the man." He is the smart, successful, and genuinely kind heart of the group. While he might play the "Silent Assassin," his generosity and friendly nature make him one of the most sought-after partners in the league. He’s a "smooth as butter" legend, and BSG is lucky to have a 6-handicap who is actually a nice guy.
Raj "Aimless wonder" Kocherlakota
OFFICIAL BSG PLAYER DOSSIER: RAJ KOCHERLAKOTA
The Stats:
Profession: Farmer (Cultivates the land by day; professionally excavates deep bunkers by noon).
Handicap Index: "A very big number" (A numerical value so large it technically qualifies as a zip code).
Pro Comparison: Happy Gilmore (A quintessential 'Golf Bro' who lacks a hockey stick but possesses the same level of unbridled, chaotic energy).
Spirit Animal: Eagle (Not for the grace or the majesty, but solely for the high-altitude optics required to locate his ball in the thickest brush).
Logistics: Zero (0) pairs of underwear per trip (Claims three is "too many"—a bold, high-friction strategy that suggests a terrifying commitment to aerodynamics).
Pre-Round Routine: Carefully hitting a few slices on the range to ensure his muscle memory is perfectly calibrated for the woods.
Beverage of Choice: IPAs (Approached with a level of passion usually reserved for religious experiences).
The Scouting Report:
Raj Kocherlakota is the most dangerous man in the league, primarily because no one knows what his next move is—including Raj. Professionally, he is a farmer, a vocation that translates seamlessly to the golf course, where he spends four hours diligently tilling the soil with a 7-iron. Raj claims Driving Distance and Short Game are Very Important, yet he lists Course Strategy as only Moderately Important. This suggests he has no interest in where the ball should go, as long as it gets there very quickly and with a spectacular arc.
His approach to the game is one of "Practical Nihilism." When Raj inevitably hammers a ball into the forest, he doesn't waste time with grief or searching; he simply drops a new ball and moves on. He is the patron saint of pace-of-play. However, his true nemesis is the "Deep Bunker." Once Raj enters a sand trap, his farming instincts take over, and he may remain there for several holes attempting to plant a winter crop. Despite his "bad" wardrobe rating (his words, not ours), he remains the most "chill" person on the turf, likely because he is operating with a level of lower-body ventilation (see: underwear stats) that the rest of us can only dream of.
The 19th Hole (The Verdict):
Raj is a walking contradiction at the finish line. He rates his desire to "immediately leave to hide my shame" as a moderate priority, but this is constantly at war with his "passion for drinking." In Raj’s world, the IPA always wins. He is a 5/5 candidate for celebratory and commiseration drinks—though he often forgets which one he’s doing. He "sometimes enjoys" analyzing the scorecard with his opponents, primarily to see if the big number he wrote down has somehow grown since the 9th hole.
Ultimately, Raj is the undisputed "best guy of the group." He is smart, passionate, always smiling, and brings an easygoing vibe that offsets the stress of everyone else’s triple-bogeys. He might be a Happy Gilmore-style hazard to the local wildlife, but he is the heart and soul of the BSG social hour. Just don't ask him to help you with your laundry.
Raj is the man. He brings a level of genuine kindness and effortless humor to every round. He’s the first to laugh at a bad shot and the last to leave the bar, making him the absolute MVP of the BSG brotherhood. We’re lucky to have him—commando or not.
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